Chapter 53 pt. 2
The Rule of Benedict August 5
Niceness is a poor substitute for kindness. Kindness, not niceness, is a component part of hospitality. It is easy for some of us to confuse smiles and pleasant tones of voice with the things that make for true kindness and hospitality. If we continue in this confusion for long enough, we become unable to distinguish between kindness and unkindness, hospitality and inhospitality.
The monks at St. Gregory's Abbey are not nice, by most standards. But they are kind. My hope for our life together is that we will attune and live according to the essential difference between these two as well.
from Monty:
ReplyDeleteHey Chad,
Your time at the monastery is adding a lot to your blog. Some thoughts on today’s entry:
My impression is that the distinction you are making is that niceness is surface - a smile and pleasant voice can mask a begrudging spirit or mean heart. Conversely, kindness comes from an inner sense of worth of both self and the other, and a genuine desire to do right.
But I don't understand why niceness shouldn't be expected with kindness. It seems like it should be "and" not "instead of". Why shouldn't outer expressions reflect inner attitudes? It doesn't seem right to say monks are not nice, but they are kind, and there is no problem with that. It would seem that part of hospitality is making people feel at ease while in your space, and niceness seems part of that. I say this as someone for whom interacting with others takes energy – I need all the encouragement I can get to make the effort to put myself out socially for others. My reaction to this distinction between kindness and niceness is that there are some folks (probably me included) who seem to struggle overcoming their own brooding self absorption and look first to the other. I don’t think its valid for them to say “I may not be nice, but I’m kind…. So get over it”.
How’s that for a rant? J
Monty
Hi Monty,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your rant!
Firstly, my distinction is between niceness as a perceived affect according to social norms for interpersonal communication and kindness as, like you said, genuine concern for the well-being of the other.
I don't see niceness as a bad thing in and of itself, and I don't mean to imply that its presence is antithetical to true kindness or hospitality. For context, my comments were written in response to one thing I hear from today's reading from Chapter 53, which gives instructions for monks to not interact with guests unless they are ordered to do so by the Abbot, and then instructs monks, should they happen to meet or see guests, to interact in a way that is humble and kind, but not necessarily nice.
What I mean by saying that the monks at St. Gregory's aren't nice is that their interpersonal affect doesn't entirely conform to exterior social norms such as smiles and happy greetings at each passing in the halls or along the sidewalk. Their standard, or norm, for interpersonal communication operates closer to the center of their being. I think this is a result of living for many years in such a way that values inner quiet more than external regard. Over time, I perceived that they valued silence for my sake far more than for theirs, and each time I did address them to engage them in conversation or ask a question, I perceived kindness rather than any "brooding self absorption" as a result of their inward orientation.
My experience as a person who is generally considered to be nice is that niceness is entirely oriented outwardly. It is something I measure by what bounces back to me from the exterior of other people. My ego has been very successful at getting what it needs from this external exchange, and I have come to realize that it usually serves to keep me self absorbed--caught up in my own self interest. As an introvert, you exhibit self absorption differently, but it's still oriented outwardly--concerned with relational or circumstantial phenomena--and it serves your self interest as well.
Now, I can be nice without being self absorbed, and you can be silent without being self absorbed, but it's a matter of perceiving clearly what our motives are and developing a sense of ourselves that is derived from our inner and true identity, our life hidden with Christ in God, as St. Paul says in Colossians 3. When we act from that place, we are able to be truly kind.
How's that for a counter-rant?
Chad